


Getting over the past

by Yu_Kagami



Series: Haikyuu Angst oneshots/twoshots (Lets torture Hinata) [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Borderline Personality Disorder, Child Neglect, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depression, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Foster Care, Hinata Shouyou-centric, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Incest, Karasuno Family, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Sad, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sibling Incest, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26006989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yu_Kagami/pseuds/Yu_Kagami
Summary: Hinata has a major panic attack due to DID and not being able to find Happy.Kageyama has a midnight talk with him afterwards and pasts were revealed as they both support each other on the road of recovery.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: Haikyuu Angst oneshots/twoshots (Lets torture Hinata) [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859377
Comments: 6
Kudos: 200





	Getting over the past

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings in tags as usual but this includes a graphic panic attack so here.
> 
> _WARNING_  
> Graphic panic attack, heavy mentions of personality disorders and dissociation.  
> Self harm is described too.

“Happy is gone..”

Shouyou sighed as he trembled slightly, anxiety flooding up his mind with insecurities, Happy was nowhere to be found, where is Happy?

Shouyou breathed out again, this time in a more panicky tone.

“Happy is gone!”

The team turned around, confusion written over their facial features. 

Shouyou started breathing heavily, he fidgeted and squirmed uncomfortably as he scratched his arms violently again and again, he was still shaking heavily when he had yelled out.

“Happy isn’t here! Where is Happy?!”

Sugawara stepped up when he saw the self harming tendencies of his junior starting to bubble up on the surface, he also spotted a few signs of a panic attack in which he immediately jumped into action.

“Happy? Where is Happy!”

Shouyou held his head as he screamed manically, his hands shaking worse than ever and his breath getting shallower with each second that passed, blood dripped down his scarred arms and crimson were exposed like a river.

The inner thoughts inside his head were running so fast, running _too fast too loud too noisy_. He couldn’t hear the concerned shouts of his teammates, he could only hear nervous remarks spinning again and again inside of his troubled head, toxic comments were screaming out his insecurities, exposing him raw as he dug in his nails harderhardermoremore.

Shouyou’s mind yelled at him crudely, pointing at all his mistakes as a person when the world spun once again, he could not find _Happy_ he needed Happy so where is he?!

He scratched at his old scars, he reopened all of his scars, blood dripped onto the floor and made a small puddle. _Happy still isn’t here!_ He tried to stab his arm with his pen he needed more pain more blood more suffering more- 

Sugawara held away Shouyou’s arms with a harsh scream and the world stopped spinning, his vision came back in piece as strength left his body and he dropped the pen, he saw Sugawara’s concerned face, and the rest of others were saying something that he couldn’t hear.

“Inat Sh-ouy-”

HIs breathing got shallow again upon recognising yelling.

Were they calling his name? He didn't know, the noises inside his head rose again as he felt himself fidgeting nervously, tempted to scratch at his already injured arms again, he couldn’t recognise the place, he didn’t know who was yelling, why were they yelling? Who are they! He wanted Happy! Who are these people? Why are they calling my name? What do they want?

The noises blocked out the name calling, he didn’t feel like Shouyou, he didn’t feel alive, he felt scared, he felt lost, he didn’t know where he was, who he is- Who is Hinata Shouyou? Who? Why are they calling for him who is Shouyou? Who? Who? Who?!

“Shouyou!”

No I am not Shouyou I am Kind! Who is Shouyou? Who is Shouyou?! Stop calling me that!

“Hinata stop!”

Sugawara violently swayed away his frail arms as he was suddenly pulled back into reality, all the information and his own identity was suddenly known again. Sugawara, Daichi Yamaguchi. Tsukishima, Kageyama, Nishinoya, Tanaka, Ennoshita, Narita, Asahi, Kinoshita, Ukai Coach, Takeda-sensei, Yachi, Kiyoko-

Oh right, they are all his friends.

How did he forget?

He looked around and found himself in a room that he recognised, it was a room for the team to stay at during the nationals.

Oh right, they are here for the match.

How did he forget?

He felt bangs fall over his tear stained expression as he saw the familiar orange locks fell over him.

Oh right, his name is Hinata Shouyou and he is _alive_.

How did he forget?

Voices dashed in again as reality dawned on him, the choker that had been holding him tight loosened and he was able to recognise words again, able to breath again.

“Hinata?”

“Hinata!”

“Oi boke!”

Kageyama, Sugawara and Nishinoya?

He must have worried them.

“S-sorry.”

Shouyou stumbled over his words as he apologised stiffenly, he saw Ukai shooing away the crowding teenagers as Takeda-sensei approached him with a kind tone.

“Hinata can you name 3 things you can feel?”

Oh that is easy, he could do that.

“Tatami, my shirt and blood.”

Takeda-sensei winced at the mention of blood, he fixed his posture immediately and proceeded to question.

“Good, three things you can hear?”

Shouyou took a deep breath before answering.

“Uh your voice, my voice I guess? Ukai’s voice too.”

Takeda-sensei smiled encouragingly and asked the third question in a similar kind tone as the previous.

“You are doing great Hinata! Can you tell me three things you can see?”

Shouyou glanced around the room and answered in a lower tone, exhausted from his previous panic attack.

“Um, Nishinoya-senpai, glasses and my bag.”

Takeda smiled at his response, but it seemed as if he wasn’t done with his questions, Shouyou would have fidgeted at the direct eye contact if it wasn’t for how tired he is right now.

“Good job Hinata! Do you know where you are? Can you tell me what happened just now?”

Shouyou raised his eyebrows at that, he guessed that it made sense for his teacher to ask so many questions if he had such a serious attack.

“Um, at the inn where we are staying at for the nationals, I just had a panic attack.”

Takeda nodded in a cheery way, he spoke again and asked gently.

“Can you tell me what caused your panic attack?”

Shouyou winced at the thought of telling Takeda what was going on in his head, Takeda saw the uncomfortable gesture of his and added rapidly.

“You don’t have to tell me now if you are tired, I just want to know if anything here is triggering you, that might affect your performance tomorrow too and your mental health is definitely the top priority at the moment regardless of how important the next match might be.”

Shouyou hesitantly agreed and started explaining softly, in a tone that hinted that he was a bit ashamed of himself.

“Happy isn’t here.”

He can see the team frown at the familiar phrase he had yelled out at the beginning of the panic attack. However he didn’t bother to add anymore information then that, when Takeda saw that Shouyou wasn’t gonna speak further than that, he gently pushed into Shouyou’s situation with a caring voice that was kind of soothing in a motherly way.

“Can you tell me who Happy is?”

Shouyou was kind of shocked by the fact Takeda wasn't weirded out by his strange way of speech, if it was another person they would have definitely identified him as a psychopath by now. He explained Happy's identity to Takeda.

"Happy is the brave happy Shouyou, Happy the one with courage to be friends with everyone, I am Kind, the coward who can't do anything, I can't be confident like Happy, I can't stand crowds unlike Happy, which is why I need Happy in order to be able to attend the match tomorrow, or I will just be a burden, but I can't find Happy."

Takeda didn’t seem freaked out, instead he continued on the conversation calmly, completely undisturbed by the fact that Shouyou acknowledged another person’s existence inside himself.

“Do you know how to find Happy back?”

Shouyou went silent, he heaved a sad gaze as he pondered downwards, he hugged his knees closed to her pounding heart as he spoke softly.

“I don’t know…”

Takeda frowned at the response, but continued listening attentively regardless.

“Happy usually comes back when I socialise, but he isn’t here today.”

Takeda smiled again and he petted Shouyou’s fluffy hair and comforted him.

“Are you nervous for tomorrow?”

Shouyou buried himself deeper inside his knees, shielding his exposed vulnerable self from the rest of the world.

“You know, nobody will blame you if you fail.”

Shouyou wanted to protest.

_You never know that!_

Nishinoya went forward, despite Ukai’s warnings, he reassured Shouyou passionately.

“Yeah! No matter what happens we are a team! You aren’t alone, I will be protecting the ball from behind, you have nothing to worry about.”

Ukai stopped yelling when he saw Shouyou loosen up at the words of his senior.

Sugawara stepped up too and crouched down beside Shouyou, Shouyou took a quick glance at the vice captain, Sugawara spoke comfortingly.

“Hinata, you have never disappointed us, you are one of our best players, just do the usual and it will be okay.”

A certain dark haired setter stepped up too, he added a comment of his own.

“Yeah dumbass, it will be fine, we will cover for you if needed, that is why we are here after all, I told you that you are invincible with me, so just fly, fly with all your might and you will be okay.”

Shouyou glanced up to his setter and beamed, this time not as Happy but as Kind, he laughed as the original Shouyou, he felt genuinely supported.

“Thank you.”

Shouyou said between giggles, the team smiled back when they saw that Shouyou was doing all better.

\----------------------------------

“Oi boke.”

Tobio had woken up in the midnight and found the futon beside him vacant, since he figured that he was awake anyways, he might as well go along and check on the idiot just to ensure that Hinata won’t catch a cold or something.

“Kageyama.”

Hinata hoarsely said, as he turned his head to Tobio’s direction, it sounded like he had cried again for whatever reasons, but the most logical assumption would be that he had a nightmare, Tobio wasn’t stupid enough to think that Hinata will just be immediately okay after crying out his feelings.

“What are you doing out here at this time.”

Tobio asked in a lower tone than he had intended, that was probably because he had just woken up.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

The taller boy sighed, that much was pretty obvious, he wasn’t looking for that kind of answer, he looked up to the swaying hair of Hinata’s, moonlight shone on his pupils and reflected on his own pupils too.

“Why?”

He asked before he could process that he was speaking.

“Too much on my mind.”

Perhaps Hinata was expecting Tobio to yell at him like usual, but this time Tobio kept his quiet and just hummed in acknowledgement to Hinata’s reply.

“You aren’t uh I don’t know gonna yell at me or something.”

Tobo glanced at the visibly nervous middle blocker before focusing at the night view ahead of him again.

“That doesn’t sound like an appropriate ithing to do at night.”

“Fair enough.”

Silence fell between them, in all honesty, Tobio didn’t want to push Shouyou, he had been in his position, nothing as extreme as that, but he had experienced death and neglect _and perhaps he was still experiencing the neglect_ , it was a secret nobody knew, people had thought he acted like a king because he was arrogant, he wasn’t he was just under the pressure, middle school just so happened to be the year where everything snapped, that time he remembered how much he wanted someone to understand he is almost entirely sure that Hinata, despite his usual energy, desperately wants someone to understand him too.

“You know, my father died in the second year of middle school.”

It didn’t come as a surprise when Hinata didn’t give a verbal response when he had said that, Tobio continued on telling his story when he didn’t see signs of anxiety or discomfort off the middle blocker.

“He had been diagnosed with cancer since I was in elementary 4, our family turned from joyful to miserable that day, my brother went abusive to mother for a year, they were constantly fighting.”

Hinata took a glance at Tobio, studying his expression as Tobio spoke again, talking more about himself than he ever had to a friend.

“I never told this story to anyone but soon my brother left, my mum forgot about me, I was all alone, father was the only one that still cared, he was the one with cancer, yet he was the happiest amongst us.”

Tobio felt a ting of longing as the smile of his father floated into his mind, it was weird digging into his past all over again especially after he had gotten over it.

“Father was the only person that kept me sane, which is why I snapped in middle school and thus “The King of the court” was borned.”

When Hinata suddenly commented, it startled Tobio a bit, he hadn’t expected the bright haired middle blocker to speak at all.

“But nobody cared enough to see beyond the arrogant King.”

Tobio nodded numbly and allowed himself to laugh hollowly.

“Yeah, that is just how people are.”

Hinata looked sad as well, his gaze dropped like it had previously, the bangs of his hid his vulnerable form.

“I know, I know that very well.”

Tobio wanted to lift up Hinata’s chin, there was no need to hide misery, misery was just another proof of being alive, not something to be ashamed of.

“I suppose you will.”

Hinata spoke in a depressingly energyless voice.

“Yeah, I suppose I do.”

Quiet fell between the usually nonstop chatty pair.  
Cool wind of midnight blew past them again.  
Silently Tobio counted the lighted up houses to free himself from overthinking the awkwardness between the duo.

“My mother was not a good person.”

Tobio was shocked at the sudden speech, but regardless, he was happy that Hinata decided to open up.

“She would hit me and my brother, she hated both of us, I didn’t know why. I have been quiet for most of my childhood, kids thought I was freaky, nobody liked me, not even my brother, he was not a good person either.”

Tobio wasn’t particularly surprised at the mention of abuse, he had expected that, not that he would wish abuse on anyone, nobody really deserved to be mistreated, every source of evil had a beginning, he would know, as the person who had hurt his ‘friends’, he would know.

“When I was 6 my brother was 12, he never talked to me, yet he took a strange interest in me, uh, sexually.”

The setter wanted to puke at that, it was a disgusting thought and definitely not a pleasant past, not that anything about Hinata’s story was close to being pleasant.

“It stopped when I was 12, that year I tried to kill myself, over, over and over again, I am pretty sure there had been 5 times that year. My mother gave up on the last time and just threw me in an orphanage.”

Tobio scrunched up at the mention of suicide, it was, a close topic to him too, even though he had only tried once. He was embraced with love from his mother after that one attempt, it was on the day when nobody had received his set, the day he realised he had become as horrible as his brother. Mother had been trying to look after him more ever since, not like she really ever had a choice, especially after Father died, she had been working harder than ever to fund the family.

“A year ago, the Hinata’s took me in, they said it was because I have similar features to them by some crazy coincidence, I haven’t been mistreated since but trauma doesn’t just go away, I guess.”

Tobio watched as Hinata toyed with the hem of his shirt, an obvious sign of nervousness. 

“Yeah, it really doesn’t just go away, I am in therapy and shit but it is hard to get over it, though I am in a much better place now.”  
Hinata laughed out breathlessly, lifting his head up once again as he spoke.

“I can’t say the same, I don’t know how to get better.”

Tobio could practically feel the hopelessness that Shouyu radiated with his depressed posture.

“Mmm.. It is a long way, but I guess the first step is to open up.”

Hinata looked at him, Tobio stared back, studying his features as his lips moved once again.

“You said you never told this story to anyone.”

Tobio laughed for once and not in a psychopathic way, no, his usual laugh was far from scary.

“Idiot, don’t take it literally, I told it to my therapist.”

Hinata didn't laugh or smile at his own stupidity, instead he just hummed and replied silently.

“Mm.. I guess that is fair.”

“Yeah.”

…

“You too Hina-, no Shouyou, you should open up to someone.”

Hin- Shouyou was obviously taken aback by the use of his first name, but Tobio was happy that there wasn’t a further response either than the surprise that shone on his face.

“It is scary.”

Tobio reassuringly petted Shouyou’s shoulders as he spoke out genuinely.

“It will be at first, it is scary to face your past, but it is an essential key to be okay again.”

Shouyou looked down and he said in a dismissive tone.

“Can I ever be okay though?”

Tobio lifted up Shouyou’s chin and looked directly at him, a faint blush caressed Shouyou’s cheeks at the gesture.

“If I can, so can you.”

Tobio hugged Shouyou warmly, the setter’s larger body completely covering Shouyou’s skinny figure in a protective way.

Shouyou didn’t fight against the contact, a little something Tobio is grateful for, Shouyou murmured in Tobio’s shirt softly.

“Can you be the one that helps me?”

Tobio smiled happily.

“Of course Shouyou.”

“Thank you Tobio.”

\-------------------------------

The next day, everyone was glad to see their middle blocker up again energetically, Shouyou performed better than he had ever during the match and stunned everyone with his marvellous performance, everyone was proud of him and needless to say, Tobio also found himself smiling at the sight of Shouyou being happy again.

They might not be able to be okay again in a short time, but if there is something that they are certain of, then it will be that they will be okay and happier in the future.

They will make it through together, and nobody will be able to stop them.

“Tobio! Give me another toss!”

“You bet!”


End file.
